How to capitalize on negative feelings and thoughts

One understands one’s personal worth when one no longer identifies with the opinions of others.

Author

Clint Betts
August 26, 2024

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“When we talk about self-worth, are we not talking, really, about how we are reflected in the mirrors of other people’s minds? But do we need to depend on that? One understands one’s personal worth when one no longer identifies or defines one’s self in terms of these transient things.”

― Anthony De Mello

In today’s email:

  • Meditation: Negative feelings are useful for self-awareness

  • Dear Clint: How can I ensure that I’m treated with the same respect at home as I am at work?

  • Book Giveaway: Awareness by Anthony De Mello

DAILY MEDITATION

Negative feelings, every negative feeling is useful for awareness, for understanding. They give you the opportunity to feel it, to watch it from the outside. In the beginning, the depression will still be there, but you will have cut your connection with it. Gradually you will understand the depression.

As you understand it, it will occur less frequently, and will disappear altogether. Maybe, but by that time it won’t matter too much. Before enlightenment I used to be depressed. After enlightenment I continue to be depressed. But gradually, or rapidly, or suddenly, you get the state of wakefulness. This is the state where you drop desires.

But remember what I meant by desire and cravings. I meant: “Unless I get what I desire, I refuse to be happy.” I mean cases where happiness depends on the fulfillment of desire.

Anthony De Mello

QUESTION
Dear Clint,

When I'm at work, I'm respected, valued, and seen as a strong, decisive figure. However, when I come home, I feel like a completely different person. I feel as though my family and friends often take me for granted or don't understand what I bring to the table, and I find myself questioning my self-worth because of it.

The disconnect between how I’m treated in my professional life versus my personal life is taking a toll on my confidence and sense of self. How can I reconcile these two parts of my life and find a balance that allows me to feel valued in both?

Sincerely,
Torn Between Two Worlds

ANSWER
Dear Torn Between Two Worlds,

I was in foster care for the first few years of my life. I can’t speak to the experience of others, but growing up thinking your parents gave you up because you weren’t worth keeping around is unpleasant. I lived with that feeling for 16 years or so.

My older brother was also adopted. Sometimes, before I’d go to a school dance or hang out with friends, he’d tell me, “Just try not to act like you’re adopted.” I didn’t know how to do that. I still don’t. Could people tell I was adopted by how I acted? Which of my actions gave it away?

The last thing I wanted was for people to know who I was. It’s something I didn’t even want to know myself.

I thought my biological parents gave me up, but that’s all it was at the end of the day. A thought. Turns out they did the right thing, given the circumstances. How’s a kid supposed to know about circumstances? I just wanted to be “normal.”

Normal is a feeling, and feelings aren’t real. They come and go like anything else. How you’re treated at work and home is not who you are; it doesn’t define you. You know who you are. It’s not something that changes based on where your feet are at any given moment. If it does, congratulations, you’re no different than most of us. Turns out you don’t know who you are yet. Now you know that, at least.

More importantly, I have a hunch that how you feel you’re treated at work and home is just that. A feeling. It’s not reality. No, you’ll quickly discover the truth once you wake up to it.

I understand you feel you’re a completely different person at home. Is it possible you are? If so, that’s on you. Chin up, shoulders back — you’ve got work to do.

Yours,
Clint Betts

Contact Clint
Email: dear[email protected]
Phone: (385) 217-0670

As a special thank you for reading this newsletter, we’d like to offer you a free physical or digital copy of the following book.

In his book "Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality," Anthony De Mello emphasizes the importance of self-awareness for effective leadership. De Mello points out that many people, including leaders, are often unaware of their biases, fears, and attachments, which influence their decisions and interactions.

According to De Mello, leaders must awaken from this state of unconsciousness to see reality clearly, free from the distortion of personal conditioning.

De Mello suggests that genuine leadership starts with self-observation without judgment. Leaders need to be able to observe their thoughts, emotions, and reactions as if they were observing someone else.

This practice helps to develop emotional intelligence and allows leaders to respond to situations with clarity and composure rather than being driven by automatic, unconscious reactions. By developing this awareness, leaders can free themselves from patterns that hinder their effectiveness and creativity.

A key theme in the book is the concept of detachment. De Mello suggests that leaders should not be overly attached to outcomes or the opinions of others. Detachment does not mean indifference; it allows leaders to act with greater freedom and objectivity.

When leaders are not driven by the need to control or seek approval, they can create an environment that encourages innovation and open communication. This kind of leadership inspires trust and respect because it is based on authenticity and presence.

De Mello advises against the pitfalls of labeling and passing judgment, which he believes hinders awareness. Leaders who hastily assign labels to people or situations without fully grasping them restrict their capacity to lead successfully. Instead, De Mello urges leaders to observe without labeling, enabling them to perceive things as they really are.

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